If your parachute doesn't open, don't panic; you have the rest of your life to fix it!
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
My doctor gave me six months to live. When I couldn't pay my bill, he gave me another six months.
I asked a Welsh friend about how many sexual partners he has had, so he started counting, and fell asleep.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust.
Say what you want about deaf people.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the snide bastard was thinking.
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could easily see myself doing.
Alcoholics don't run in my family - they mostly stumble around and bump into things.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
My ex wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
They used to call it a jumpoline before your mom got on one.
Velcro, what a rip off.
I listened a Policeman do a talk on Heroin once. Couldn't understand a word he was saying.
The guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in piece.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.
What a shame it is for a family to be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
Next up - Malabares.